are you still at the devil's house?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
