I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
