god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize