Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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