forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
