i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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