so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
