So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize