I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
