we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
