Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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