the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Floor bacon is actually really good
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
