I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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