It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
did i just pee glitter
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
