Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
