saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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