She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
