I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
