4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We need a shit load of segways right now
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
