The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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