I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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