I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
