You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
