If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
