this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
