I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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