Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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