Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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