I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
