Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
