I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
