Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
