I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
