I can tuck mytits in my pants
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you didnt know i had herpes?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
