is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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