fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
