i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
