I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have feelings that need drinking.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
