I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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