In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
