Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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