highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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