I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
