I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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