Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
