It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
