Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
