I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
