dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
our cab driver is having phone sex.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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