and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
