I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Do vagina's smell?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
