In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
