Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
