Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
