first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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