The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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