I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
