I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
