I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
