i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
