It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
